Do you know how to manage anger?
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Anger is one of the most primal and complex feelings in the range of human emotions. Although it is neither good nor bad, its misuse causes a great deal of suffering:
Undermining trust, loyalty, and teamwork
Creating a hostile environment
Contributing to health problems
Incurring legal expenses
Contributing to violence
The problem with anger, as Aristotle observed over 2,500 year ago, is this:
“Anyone can become angry — that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way — this is not easy.”
Learning how to manage anger is an essential.
Anger does 3 things:
Here’s an example of anger in action. A department store floor manager, late for a meeting and thinking about 10 different problems, overhears an associate call a customer a “fat cow.” She stops dead in her tracks. For the moment she forgets everything else. She steps in to deal with the customer and the employee.
Since each person’s response to anger is unique, you have to become an expert about your anger pattern and develop your own way how to manage anger.
We all have different Hot Buttons, things that trigger a strong emotional reaction in us — people’s attitudes or actions, events, situations, etc.
They strike us as unfair, unjust, or just plain wrong. And they irritate, annoy, vex, anger, or enrage us.
Not everybody is bothered by the same thing that bothers us, and sometimes even that realization bothers us.
There are three steps to dealing with our hot buttons and learning how to manage anger successfully...
1. Observe. 2. Analyze. 3.Change.
The first step in dealing with our hot buttons is to become aware of them — without judgment or shame.
What type of incident, situation, or person typically “pushes your buttons?”
What are you doing when it happens?
What are other people doing?
Where are you?
Who are you with?
How tired or stressed are you?
Do you recognize any pattern?
A pattern is something like this: "When X happens, I feel Y."
For example: When I’m late for an appointment and I get stuck in traffic, I get angry.When my boss asks me to stay late, I get angry.
What’s your pattern?
For the next week pay attention to how you react internally when one of your hot buttons gets pushed. Becoming more aware is the first step in how to manage anger.
Now that you have some awareness of what typically triggers your anger, you can analyze your pattern.
Ask yourself what you’re thinking, when you get mad. What judgments are you making?
When you’re late for an appointment and stuck in traffic, do you think you’re stupid and you should have left earlier?
Or do you think you’re helpless and wish someone would take care of the problem for you?
Or do you think it’s a conspiracy and everyone’s ganging up to make you late?
When your boss asks you to stay late, do you think she’s being unreasonable? Or do you recall every other time she’s ever imposed on you and conclude that she’s an inconsiderate person and quite possibly the most incompetent boss in the world? Or do berate yourself for not standing up for yourself?
What are you thinking?
Now, stop. Don’t judge or justify what you’re thinking. Simply admit it.
And challenge it. Challenge what you’re thinking.
Ask yourself, what evidence do I have to support my thinking? Are there other possible explanations?
Could it be that I overscheduled my day and I didn’t leave enough time to get to my next appointment?
Could it be that my boss got a last minute project dumped on her, and she’s as put out as I am?
Could it be — and this possibility is the one that’s most devastating to our ego — could it be that other people’s lives, thoughts, and actions don’t revolve around us?
Albert Ellis, a well-known psychologist, believes that most of our hot buttons are based on what he calls awfulizing. When things don’t go our way, we think, “It’s awful! It’s terrible! It’s horrible! I can’t stand it!”
He suggests we change the way we think — and talk — about our problems. If you can change the way you see the situation, you can change the way it makes you feel - this will help you to manage anger.
Instead of telling ourselves, “It shouldn’t be this way,” think, “I don’t like it. I wish it were different.” Taking the “should” out of it takes some of the sting out of it.
Instead of “Traffic shouldn’t be so bad at this hour,” say, “I don’t like getting stuck in traffic.”
Instead of “My boss shouldn’t dump work on me at the last minute,” say, “I don’t like it when she does.”
Instead of telling ourselves, “I can’t stand it,” think, “It bothers me a great deal. I don’t like it. I’ve survived worse things than this. I’m strong. I can do something about this.”
Instead of, “I can’t stand this traffic,” consider, “I dislike this traffic. I wish the roads were clear. But I’ve been through a lot worse than this. Maybe it’s time to put on a CD and chill out.” - Good tip on how to manage anger.
Instead of, “I can’t stand it when she makes me stay late,” say, “I don’t like staying late, especially on a Friday night, but it isn’t the end of the world. I’ll have to think of some way to reward myself over the weekend.”
Recognize and accept your hot buttons. Challenge them. Change them by creating a new way of thinking about them.
Now that you know how to manage anger, have a look at this interesting article How to Resolve Conflict
Article by “©Chris Witt, all rights reserved. www.wittcom.com”