Humorous Quotes | Funny Life Quotes
Wednesday 10 August, 2016.
A funny thought for the day from famous people and others who inspire us. Humorous quotes to keep your day light. Funny life quotes to remind you that attitude counts and life needs to be enjoyed.
Funny sayings can add wisdom and humor to your daily tasks. We hope you enjoy our collection and that you have a chuckle as well. Choose a funny thought for the day, change your perspective – and you can change how you feel about your life.
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Funny Thought For The Day
“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”
~ Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes ~
“You can’t have everything… where would you put it?”
~ Steven Wright ~
“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.”
~ Jack Handey ~
“Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy — the mother.”
~ Claudette Colbert ~
“It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.”
~ Author Unknown ~
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.”
~ Flip Wilson ~
“Why is it when we talk to God we’re praying, but when God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic?”
~ Lily Tomlin ~
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”
~ George Burns ~
“Perhaps the world’s second worst crime is boredom. The first is being a bore.”
~ Cecil Beaton ~
“If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.”
~ Author Unknown ~
“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”
~ Albert Einstein ~
“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.”
~ Mark Twain ~
“Blessed are the young, for they will inherit the national debt.”
~ Herbert Hoover ~
“Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.”
~ Mark Twain ~
“The nice part of living in a small town is that when I don’t know what I’m doing, someone else does.”
~ Author Unknown ~
“My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.”
~ Ed Furgol ~
“If it weren’t for the fact that the TV set and the refrigerator are so far apart, some of us wouldn’t get any exercise at all.”
~ Joey Adams ~
“Don’t worry about avoiding temptation… as you grow older, it will avoid you.”
~ Winston Churchill ~
“Money can’t buy you happiness… but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.”
~ Spike Milligan ~
“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”
~ Mark Twain ~
“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.'”
~ Tommy Cooper ~
“The public have an insatiable curiosity to know everything, except what is worth knowing.”
~ Oscar Wilde ~
Does this funny thought for the day appeal to you?…
“To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.”
~ Paul Ehrlich ~
“Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.”
~ Will Rogers ~
“Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.”
~ Rita Mae Brown ~
“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them, ‘I have it at home in my spare wallet.'”
~ Nick Arnette ~
“And on the eighth day God said, ‘Okay, Murphy, you’re in charge!'”
~ Author Unknown ~
“Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.”
~ Wendell Johnson ~
“Committee – a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.”
~ M.Berle ~
“If at first you do not succeed, then skydiving is surely not meant for you.”
~ Author Unknown ~
“Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I’ve done it thousands of times.”
~ Mark Twain ~
“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.”
~ Albert Einstein ~
“I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: ‘No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'”
~ Eleanor Roosevelt ~
“Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them…well, I have others.”
~ Groucho Marx ~
“The trouble with children is that they’re not returnable.”
~ Quentin Crisp ~
“Just because nobody complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.”
~ Benny Hill ~
“Santa Claus has the right idea – visit people only once a year.”
~ Victor Borge ~
“Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished: If you’re alive it isn’t.”
~ Richard Bach ~
“I’m tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That’s deep enough. What do you want—an adorable pancreas?”
~ Jean Kerr ~
“Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.”
~ Dennis Wholey ~
“I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter.”
~ Winston Churchill ~
“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh — at yourself.”
~ Ethel Barrymore ~
A funny thought for the day from the movies…
“It is a truth universally acknowledged that when one part of your life starts going okay, another falls spectacularly to pieces.”
~ Renee Zellweger, Bridget Jone’s Diary ~
[talking about his new wife] “Ignore her. She’s drunk. At least I hope she is. Otherwise I’m in real trouble.”
~ Timothy Walker, Four Weddings and a Funeral ~ `
“Relax Luther, it’s much worse than you think.”
~ Ethan Hunt, Mission: Impossible ~
“All I’ve ever wanted was an honest week’s pay for an honest day’s work.”
~ Steve Martin, Bilko ~
“You know what the trouble about real life is? There’s no danger music.”
~ The Cable Guy ~
“The key here, I think, is to not think of death as an end. But, but, think of it more as a very effective way of cutting down on your expenses.”
~ Woody Allen, Love and Death ~
My favourite funny thought for the day
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
~ Charles Schulz ~
and one more funny thought for the day…
“Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, ‘Where have I gone wrong?’ Then a voice says to me, ‘This is going to take more than one night.'”
~ Charles Schulz ~
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Choose a funny thought for the day, put a smile on your face and start living everyday better
If you have enjoyed a funny thought for the day, you might enjoy:
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- Quotes On Gratitude
